Darlene
and I have been husband and wife for a decade. The past 9 years and
11 months have been such a disaster that if a writer ever got wind of
our marriage, they would have no trouble adapting it into a horror
movie franchise or a Donald Trump foreign policy speech.
It was
becoming patently clear that our relationship was on the brink of a
monumental collapse the likes of which had not been seen since June,
1964, when my overly-industrious and psychotically frugal Aunt Edna
embarked on a do-it-yourself facelift.
But just
as we were about to tumble off the conjugal cliff, a miracle
happened. One morning, instead of waking up angry, Darlene and I woke
up to the fact that we had tied the knot for the wrong reason. We had
been dumped by our respective mates and mistakenly believed that we
were meant for each other because, in a fit of pique, we both
committed to a one-year subscription to “Affordable Hitmen
Monthly.”
The
strange thing is that this revelation actually brought us closer
together. It made us want to seek help to repair the damage and give
ourselves a second chance at, if not love, then the restraint to
throw fewer good dishes at each other.
However,
getting there was going to be anything but easy. Indeed, it was a
veritable Herculean task, not unlike attempting to scale Mt. Everest
without proper equipment or attempting to define Herculean without
dictionary.com.
At first
we tried couples counseling, which, besides being insanely expensive,
was a complete joke. Literally. Our therapist, who came highly
recommended on Yelp by “Crazy Pete,” was a former ventriloquist
who spent most of our sessions drinking a glass of water while his
Sigmund Freud dummy sang “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime.”
From
there, we made our way to a couples’ yoga meditation retreat.
Sadly, it was equally useless. While very sweet, the instructor was
under the impression that every marital problem could be solved by
her overpriced merchandise, which included $300 yoga pants imprinted
with a Hindu yogi in the lotus position wearing a Yogi Berra T-shirt
featuring the quote: “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
We also
invested in a couples’ Tea Party weekend that seemed promising on
paper but in reality was akin to a flood insurance PowerPoint
presentation. The death knell for us came in the person of keynote
speaker Ted Cruz who spoke passionately for twenty minutes about the
sanctity of marriage and how its importance ranks just below God,
country, and repealing Obamacare.
Darlene
and I had all but given up hope when a glossy, six-page brochure
arrived in the mail touting the salutary benefits of Marriage Fantasy
Camp. As an inveterate baseball fan, I was instantly intrigued. I had
once attended Baseball Fantasy Camp where I suited up in a Minnesota
Twins uniform for five days while Hall of Famer Rod Carew provided us
with invaluable inside tips on everything from hitting and fielding
to adjusting your cup on national television without giggling.
Marriage
Fantasy Camp, which takes place at the Hampton Inn in Boynton Beach,
Florida, every August during the height of prickly heat season, is
based on the same principle. Highlights include:
- “Wedding Vow Calisthenics.” Major League Baseball conditioning coaches exhort couples to pledge their love for each other while doing 600 squat thrusts. This is a vital reminder that at the heart of all marriages is a verbal commitment and stomach cramps.
- “Picking Up the Signs.” Couples are schooled by Dr. Phil in detecting unhealthy communication patterns, such as not making eye contact while talking to each other and texting during sex.
- “Close Calls.” All interactions will be videotaped and any conflicts will be settled by former Major League umpire Ed Montague via replay review. If either party disagrees with his decision, they can challenge it. The penalty for a denied challenge is 600 more squat thrusts.
Before
we even finished reading about the Lou Piniella workshop, “How to
Express Anger through Words, Not Kicking Dirt on Each Other,”
Darlene and I knew this was just what the doctor ordered. We signed
on the dotted line, ponied up enough cash to finance a six-year
Bolivian revolution, and headed down to Boynton Beach. It was a
glorious week. Our love for each was reaffirmed and we were on the
road to renewed connubial bliss.
Until we
weren’t.
Shortly
after we returned, I decided to surprise Darlene by coming home early
from work one day with a bottle of Champagne and a case of cocktail
franks. I entered our bedroom and found her under the covers next to
a ventriloquist dummy. At first I thought she was trying to spice up
our sex life. What I heard coming from the bathroom quickly quashed
that idea—a Viennese rendition of “Everybody Loves Somebody
Sometime.”