Death By Recruitment

Dear Mr. Glavin:

I am a senior recruiter with Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC and I was totally blown away by your resume, which I saw online this morning. In fact, upon reading it, both my jaw and my cinnamon cruller nearly hit the floor. Your skill set matches exactly what we are looking for to fill the position of Mafia Hit Man in the Greater Chicagoland area. The job, which pays in the six figures and comes with full benefits for you and your family, begins immediately. Truthfully, I am so stoked about the prospect of you taking this offer I know you can’t refuse (no pun intended). Please get back to me ASAP!

Barb Flank

Senior Recruiter

Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC

Dear Ms. Flank:

Thanks very much for your email. And while it’s always an ego boost to be so well thought of, I must tell you that I am not at all qualified for the job of Mafia Hit Man in the Greater Chicagoland area. I’m a marketing copywriter who specializes in web content and B2B emails. I wish you the best in your search.

Paul Glavin

Dear Mr. Glavin:

Thanks for getting back to me ASAP. By the way, getting back to people ASAP is one of the necessary qualities for being a Mafia Hit Man in the Greater Chicagoland area. When you are hired to rub out someone who has so rudely dissed your employer, you will need to respond ASAP to said employer with news that said someone who dissed them has, indeed, been rubbed out. I am still incredibly stoked about you taking on this fabulous position that, IMHO, is a sure-fire match (no pun intended). I look forward to hearing from you today!

Barb Flank

Senior Recruiter

Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC

Dear Ms. Flank:

Perhaps I did not make myself clear in my last email. I am not qualified for — nor am I interested in — the position of Mafia Hit Man in the Great Chicagoland area. Or any area, for that matter. I’m a marketing copywriter. Just your average, garden variety marketing copywriter. Again, best of luck in your search.

Paul Glavin

Dear Mr. Glavin.

As someone who has been placing people in the perfect job for over 6 weeks now (it will be 7 weeks next Tuesday!), I know a thing or two about the human psyche. And you are too darn modest for your own good. Of course, it goes without saying that modesty is another necessary quality for being a Mafia Hit Man in the Greater Chicagoland area. No one will ever hire a braggart to pull off an assignment as sensitive as snuffing out the life of another human being. Please call me as soon as you receive this. The suspense of hearing your voice saying “Yes, I want the job” is killing me (no pun intended)!

Barb Flank

Senior Recruiter

Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC

Dear Ms. Flank:

Look, I don’t know if this is a joke or what, but for the last time I don’t want the job of Mafia Hit Man in the Greater Chicagoland area. I write marketing copy. Not that I’m proud of it. Far from it. It’s just a lot of corporate drivel that pays the bills but drives me batty. I really wanted to be a playwright but I never had the confidence (read: talent) and I ended up selling out. Of course, if I ever had a scintilla of support instead of a bottomless cup of criticism from my sorry-ass parents, things might have turned out a HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENT. I’m sorry for that outburst. You see, things have been a little slow for me lately. I’m 50 years old and no one will hire me. Not only that but my wife is divorcing me and getting the house in the process. I have nothing. Ms. Flank, if you know of any marketing writing jobs, full-time or freelance, please get in touch.

Paul Glavin

Dear Mr. Glavin:

Since I did not hear back from you today, I was forced to withdraw your application for the position of Mafia Hit Man in the Greater Chicagoland area. I’m very sorry that I had to do that, especially since you are eminently qualified. I do hope you will keep in touch. And if any other Mafia Hit Man opportunities open up, you will be the first person I contact. Best of luck! Though I know a man with your killer skills won’t need it (okay, that pun was intended).

Barb Flank

Senior Recruiter

Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC

Dear Ms. Flank:

Clearly, nothing is ever going to happen between us in regards to my work. And that’s okay. I have a little savings and I can scrape by for awhile. However, I can tell from your emails that you are a warm, sensitive person with a great sense of humor (the exact opposite of my ex-wife). I would very much like to meet you for a drink or coffee, whichever you prefer. Please let me know ASAP!

Paul Glavin

Dear Mr. Glavin:

I’m writing to inform you that Barb Flank, one of the nicest gentiles I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, is no longer with Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC. As her replacement, I nearly plotzed when I saw your resume online this morning. Your skill set matches exactly what we are looking for to fill the position of Senior Rabbi at Temple Beth El in Amarillo, Texas. The job, which pays a boatload of shekels and is definitely not chintzy with the benefits, begins immediately. Truthfully, I am experiencing such shpilkes at the prospect of you stepping in to replace Rabbi Simon Lipbaum who suffered a massive coronary and passed away, ironically, during a shiva call (may his memory be a blessing). Don’t be a putz—call me!

Beth Steinberg-Bernstein

Senior Recruiter

Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC

Dear Ms. Steinberg-Bernstein:

What happened to Ms. Flank? Did she leave a forwarding email address?

Paul Glavin

Dear Mr. Gavin.

Regrettably, Barb Flank was gunned down by a Mafia hit man in the Great Chicagoland area (may her memory be a blessing). Even more regrettably, the position of Senior Rabbi at Temple Beth El in Amarillo, Texas has already been filled. However, if any other Senior Rabbi opportunities open up, you will be the first person I contact. Best of luck!

Beth Steinberg-Bernstein

Senior Recruiter

Waverly Recruitment Specialists, LLC